Have you ever noticed yourself believing this around the people you love? This fear based thinking is easy to get into to. You love these people so you don't want to lose them. Right here you are starting out believing in lack and loss and also being selfish rather than loving. Right? You are saying " I don't want to experience the loss of you." Doesn't sound as selfless as you think it to be when you in the throes of it does it? Ha!
I know I fell into this behavior when I had my children. I believed for whatever reason that if I wasn’t fretting and clucking around me kids I was not a good Mom. I think this is a very collective mindset with the whole of the planet. Are my kids warm enough? Do they have a hat, gloves, parka, boots, and facemask and 12 layers when they go out? The more over the top and protective I was the better I thought I was doing. Meanwhile I was driving my kids crazy. Not only was I a pest and a nag( more requirements from my former mom manual) but I was also putting out many what if’s and literally rendering my kids powerless over any weather conditions, nutritional imperfections, illnesses that were passing through and countless feak accidents that can happen to children. What a train wreck! This thinking caused me to be very anxious and powerless myself let alone what I as causing them to fell and believe. Since I see this as an old norm for mothers I get why the mother’s little helper was also a norm. This mindset makes you a neurotic basket case! No wonder these mom’s in the fifties had a morning Valium and a martini at the tail end of daylight each day. It is no accident that when you see kids that are overly coddled and protected by their parents they often turn out to be weak, fearful, fragile, inept adults. If you are constantly putting out that your child cannot handle any adversity, how do they have a chance? They then adopt that same mindset, not knowing any better, and perpetuate the fear and distrust of the world and the concept of their powerlessness. As adults it then becomes likely that they will retreat into your basement bomb shelter to play video games and nap surfacing only long enough to have a healthy meal, the right vitamin cocktail and a warm bath ( all made lovingly by you). Of course I am exaggerating to prove my point, but not by much.
I still catch myself falling in to this habit. My 18 year old is going off on her first trip by herself. Since she will be flying alone I keep catching myself almost trying to worry about her to show him how much I love her. What is that??? I know that we have flown countless times to big cities all over and never had anything close to a bad experience. I also know she is not only intelligent, but also very wise and resourceful, perhaps even more so than myself. It is almost like I feel the need to put on the show to let her know how much she means to me. If I don’t cry….she will be disappointed and think that I don’t love her. UGH! I know better! I choose ( and I am saying this as much for myself as for the sake of explanation) to know that she has favor and grace. I am even going to use my favorite visual and dunk her like a life-sized teabag into favor and grace thus infusing her very essence with an abundance of greatness. It might seem over the top but it feels so much better and if I am going to have a tendency to be over the top let it be in the right direction. This change in thinking also takes me out of any “what if” stories I might create and takes care of all of the details…. fabulously!!
Now, this worry+fussing=love equation does not apply only to having children. This can happen with friends, significant others, parents, pets.. Nothing is off limits. This martyr scented crown can be applied to any situation. I have even caught myself at the grocery store getting into a worry tangle over the checker who was going to home alone with a large winter storm approaching. I wanted her to know I just didn’t feel good knowing she was by herself and wanted her to have my number in case something happened and she needed assistance. I was going to suffer, fret and worry FOR her even if she wasn’t. Yuck. Martyr queen. See how much I care about you? See what a nice person I am? I could see she was not comfortable with this exchange. Who would be? I am not saying don’t have compassion for people. I am not advising against helping and giving charitable gifts. Simply do it out of the knowing that this person has grace and favor. Send them the blessing of seeing them blessed with the abundance of all that is good in life instead of buying into the story of them being a victim of it. Everybody wins this way.
I am going to choose to send my beautiful, very capable daughter off on her trip with grace and favor. She will know that she will be missed and that I am proud of her maturity and independence. I will wish for her: joy, love, inspiration and fun along the way and welcome her back with a great big hug and smooch.
When You focus on being a blessing, God makes sure you are always
blessed in abundance.