Have you ever noticed yourself believing this around the people you love? This fear based thinking is easy to get into to. You love these people so you don't want to lose them. Right here you are starting out believing in lack and loss and also being selfish rather than loving. Right? You are saying " I don't want to experience the loss of you." Doesn't sound as selfless as you think it to be when you in the throes of it does it? Ha! 
I know I fell into this behavior when I had my children.  I believed for whatever reason that if I wasn’t fretting and clucking around me kids I was not a good Mom.  I think this is a very collective mindset with the whole of the planet.  Are my kids warm enough? Do they have a hat, gloves, parka, boots, and facemask and 12 layers when they go out? The more over the top and protective I was the better I thought I was doing.  Meanwhile I was driving my kids crazy. Not only was I a pest and a nag( more requirements from my former mom manual) but I was also putting out many what if’s and literally rendering my kids powerless over any weather conditions, nutritional imperfections,  illnesses that were passing through and countless feak accidents that can happen to children.  What a  train wreck! This thinking caused me to be very anxious and powerless myself let alone what I as causing them to fell and believe.   Since I see this as an old norm for mothers I get why the mother’s little helper was also a norm.  This mindset makes you a neurotic basket case! No wonder these mom’s in the fifties had a morning Valium and a martini at the tail end of daylight each day.  It is no accident that when you see kids that are overly coddled and protected by their parents they often turn out to be weak, fearful, fragile, inept adults.  If you are constantly putting out that your child cannot handle any adversity, how do they have a chance? They then adopt that same mindset, not knowing any better, and perpetuate the fear and distrust of the world and the concept of their powerlessness.  As adults it then becomes likely that they will retreat into your basement bomb shelter to play video games and nap surfacing only long enough to have a healthy meal, the right vitamin cocktail and a warm bath ( all made lovingly by you).  Of course I am exaggerating to prove my point, but not by much. 

I still catch myself falling in to this habit.  My 18 year old is going off on her first trip by herself.  Since she will be flying alone I keep catching myself almost trying to worry about her to show him how much I love her.  What is that??? I know that we have flown countless times to big cities all over and never had anything close to a bad experience.  I also know she is not only intelligent, but also very wise and resourceful, perhaps even more so than myself.  It is almost like I feel the need to put on the show to let her know how much she means to me.  If I don’t cry….she will be disappointed and think that I don’t love her.  UGH! I know better! I choose ( and I am saying this as much for myself as for the sake of explanation) to know that she has favor and grace.  I am even going to use my favorite visual and dunk her like a life-sized teabag into favor and grace thus infusing her very essence with an abundance of greatness.  It might seem over the top but it feels so much better and if I am going to have a tendency to be over the top let it be in the right direction.  This change in thinking also takes me out of any “what if” stories I might create and takes care of all of the details…. fabulously!!

Now, this worry+fussing=love equation does not apply only to having children.  This can happen with friends, significant others, parents, pets.. Nothing is off limits.  This martyr scented crown can be applied to any situation.  I have even caught myself at the grocery store getting into a worry tangle over the checker who was going to home alone with a large winter storm approaching.  I wanted her to know I just didn’t feel good knowing she was by herself and wanted her to have my number in case something happened and she needed assistance.  I was going to suffer, fret and worry FOR her even if she wasn’t. Yuck.  Martyr queen.  See how much I care about you? See what a nice person I am? I could see she was not comfortable with this exchange. Who would be? I am not saying don’t have compassion for people.  I am not advising against helping and giving charitable gifts.  Simply do it out of the knowing that this person has grace and favor.  Send them the blessing of seeing them blessed with the abundance of all that is good in life instead of buying into the story of them being a victim of it.  Everybody wins this way. 

I am going to choose to send my beautiful, very capable daughter off on her trip with grace and favor. She will know that she will be missed and that I am proud of her maturity and independence. I will wish for her: joy, love, inspiration and fun along the way and welcome her back with a great big hug and smooch.  



When You focus on being a blessing, God makes sure you are always
blessed in abundance.
Joel Osteen



 
 


I had a friend a couple years ago who was very good at not letting me settle for less from myself.  Also, this friend was great at busting me when I would attempt to play the poor me card. Many people in your life can be encouraging and uplifting, but this was different.

You know when you are in a funk and you are so in it you really have no awareness of how pathetic/bitchy you are being? Nor do you really care.  I would be there.  I would be there and be getting really into it.  Unfortunately, I will admit that I had a tendency to enjoy these bouts with the excuse that something outside of me caused it and I was powerless to change it. This was the story I told myself and anyone else who was interested enough to confront me or comfort me. I think if we are all honest with ourselves this is the root story behind any negative emotion.  I am powerless.  Then the follow up story is “poor me” or “horrible you/them/life”. Boo hoo.  It’s pretty sick to get enjoyment from this self inflicted melodrama, but I am sure I am not the only person who does this.  I think we all have witnessed this behavior in our ourselves or others. Right?  That is where this friend comes in.  I would be smack in the middle of a tirade of bitching or nagging and instead of getting angry and entering the Wacky Shack of negativity and engaging or getting defensive they would say with a smile…

“Now, why do you want to be that way?” Voila! Just that one line would immediately snap me out of my story and into the realization that I was making the CHOICE to act that way. Hilarious!  Once I had that truth pointed out to me it was almost impossible to go back to the negativity. POOF! It’s gone. Not only is it gone…humor has taken it’s place. GENIUS!  The  key to this genius is being able to remain disconnected from the b.s. when confronted with it.  Knowing the negative emotions and stories and events are not real.   It is a huge gift to the person you save from themselves.  Seeing the reality of the other person being all good or all GOD despite what is happening and allowing them to see it. This one line is like a supercharged dose of  years of therapy that can be instantaneously delivered with a smile and guaranteed results. I feel like I should market this line and bottle it up.  I could advertise it on the AOL page with the teaser… Psychologists and Psychiatrists everywhere don’t want you to see this new, instant, at home remedy for happiness! Ha! So try it.  Don’t doubt it. Just because it’s simple doesn’t mean it’s not effective. Why do you be like that? :)