Years ago I was in a bad mental and physical place. I was postpartum and feeling depressed and run down. I had recently started to explore different areas of holistic remedies and therapies and even though they seemed promising, I found myself feeling worse and worse. I had begun to explore the power of my thoughts and beliefs and it was terrifying me. I thought I had to be vigilant with what went through my mind and any stray negative thought could send me into doom and ruin. It was starting to feel like an endless game of space invaders that I could not win. The more reading and researching I did, the more fearful I got. I got to where I didn’t want to do anything but stay home and guard or cast away my thoughts and research how else to survive this horrible planet. I felt crazy to say the least. I can see now that I was constantly focused on what was wrong. I was asking myself day and night…”what is wrong with me?” So of course the universe responded with a never ending string of things that were wrong with me. Everything I put out to the ethers was coming from an assumption that I needed to heal something about myself. So…I was given countless things to heal. I was a problem, a victim, a martyr and a wreck!
I remember having a very vivid dream at the time. In the dream I was all alone in a car that had three rows of seats. I was in the very last row of seats sitting against the window curled up into a ball pouring over my laptop and singing a little to myself. The car was not running and sitting off the road in the woods. It was dark all around and inside the car. Suddenly a police officer walked up to my window and shined a flashlight on me as if to say “ what are doing out here? What the hell are you doing IN there?” Then I woke up. Creepy right? Especially the singing, like something out of an R rated horror movie about the demented. I got it. Not only was I not driving the car, nobody was driving the car. The car was turned off and not even on or near the road. Not only that but I wasn’t even aware of these things. I was lost in my thoughts and unconsciously disconnected from everything and everyone. I had become paralyzed by my fears and my world was becoming smaller and smaller while I went nowhere and did nothing. All the while I was researching how to heal and improve myself and my life. I had gotten caught up in waging a war against this concept of a subconscious that rules and overpowers all good at every turn; a hidden and constant battle against some force constantly working against me. YUCK!
Recently, I had another dream that was just as vivid. My family and I were traveling around to great exciting places with a bunch of friends in a tour bus. It was a very luxe and spacious tour bus. At the back of the bus were two chairs perched high above the other seats with controls for virtually any indulgence you could think of. My husband and I each were relaxing in one the grand high lounge chairs. It occurred to me that we were speeding along the highway and maybe it wasn’t safe for me to completely check out. I was facing the back of the bus, unable to even see the road and not even conscious of what the driver was doing. Was I safe? Do I need to be managing this trip? Am I being irresponsible in just enjoying the ride with no accountability to our safety? I looked into my personal rear view mirror that allowed me to see clearly the driver of the bus. He appeared confident, alert and professional. He had his directions, knew what to do and where to go. He knew he was doing a great job and was determined to give us a wonderful, VIP experience. Just as I decided to check up on him to see if I could trust him at the helm we turned gently off the road. The bus slowed smoothly and the driver began to back the huge bus expertly into a hangar style garage with just an inch or two to spare on each side of the bus. I could see he was not worried or shaken by the harrowing task of maneuvering into the tight space. We arrived magnificently and were immediately met by a staff of people eager to wisk us off to our next amusement. We all exited the bus with excitement ready to have more fun together. I had the distinct feeling that everything was taken care of and all I had to do was show up. When I left the bus, the driver confidently and professionally nodded at me as if to say, “I’ve got this. I’ve got you”. Ahhhhhhh. What a wonderful feeling! What a difference.
I really attribute this 180 change to my increased faith and understanding in how to play this game of life and have fun. I’ve learned to rest in my knowing that in life everything always works out and even WOWS us if we let it. I have gone from sitting in a dead car going nowhere to not just driving myself where I wanted to go….I had a very capable and overqualified driver!! I love it. And the only things that I have really changed are mind and my faith.
Thank you God for grace and favor in my life always in all ways!
dare to dream big!